Occupied today with starting a new job. Before this, I’d have had a couple of drinks last night to celebrate (or to relax, or…). Last night I went to bed sober, and revelled in the feeling of being pleasantly sleepy. You see, it’s a novelty. Not feeling smiley silly or pissed off at myself and depressed, or on really bad nights getting so fucked up I have to cut myself to relieve everything building up inside me. Just calm, sleepy, contentedness.
And it was a novelty waking up this morning, still knackered after an interrupted night of sleep (when will this child sleep?!?) but *just* tired. It’s only now I see how different it was because of the booze. It’s not stupidly dramatic – I don’t suddenly feel like I’m in the Sound of Music – but it’s recognizably better. My brain is faster. I don’t hate myself for what’s happened the night before. I’m actually pretty damn excited about having made it another day.
It’s Day 3 you say, don’t get too up yourself. And you’re right. But the reality is that it would’ve been easy to come home tonight and have a bottle of fizz to celebrate surviving the first day. I could’ve explained it away. But I didn’t. It sounds so unbelievably self-righteous to say I went for the higher path, but that’s sort of how it feels. I guess it’s just the novelty of being pleased and proud of myself rather than disappointed and disgusted. Novelty.
The only thing that brought me down about today is a friend who’s explaining it away. I haven’t told my family, just my husband and my best friend. My best friend is telling me not to be so bothered about Friday night, so what, I puked on my shoes, everybody does it at some point. He laughed. But then he wasn’t there when I was virtually unconscious, he doesn’t get the risk that I put myself in (again). And I won’t tell him, because I don’t know if he’ll get it. And that makes me wonder if he’s not the right friend for just now. He’s trying to make me feel better. That’s nice. But it’s not the support that I need right at this moment, and I don’t know how to explain that to him.
I’ll let it go for now I guess. I’ll focus on three days sober and £15 more in the bank.
Watch out day 4, I’m coming to get you.